Stressed out. Gimme´ Gimme´ the Trophy!

I don´t know if it´s the coffee, my dental appointment tomorrow or just plain drama but I feel like the woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

I´m stressed out/excited/pissed/envious/happy/hopeful/encouraged/sad/ about the forthcoming PHILIPPINE BLOG AWARDS. I know, I know, I did not make it to the finals but they ju
st sent me my invites for the awards ceremony for tomorrow and I feel like weeping! I will not be there!!!



Oh, god, I feel like doing my speech now. I am really emotional, I won´t let this momentum pass.

To the Philippine Blog Awards, Thank you so much for acknowledging my work and my attempt to blog my adventures and misadventures in the land of toros, paella, and olive oil. I promise when I get back home, I will cook a dozen tortilla de patatas and make you an orgasmic tinto de verano as a sign of my gratitude. Also, If you wish to come to Spain, I will show you around and let you ride a burrotaxi so you can experience the countryside living and the beauty of nature in Spain, a far cry from the lovely city of polluted Manila.

To my blog guru, my forever thanks for all the support and I will try to do your suggestions in order to optimize my exposure in the bloggosphere. I am thinking of hiring Mrs. Imelda Marcos´s PR strategist to be forever featured in different magazines around the world but then again, I´m sure it is cheaper to sign up for Google instead.

To my family who was very supportive of my blog because it loses my sexual appetite and make me stay at home during the weekends away from the carnal temptations of Torremolinos, Thank you very, very much. I´ve been on a dry spell for six months now, I don´t even know how it is to achieve orgasm anymore.

To the people of Andalucia who speak two thousand words per minute, even though I couldn´t understand you sometimes (and vice versa) , thank you for showing me your culture. Soy andaluz, un gitano Filipino, Coño! Mi raiz es de Granada, soy un Pineda, que sangre Español mas quireis???



And finally, to my people, my faithful minions all over the world, **weep** ***weep*** Muchas Gracias!!! Keep on Jenosiding. Rest assured I´m gonna make this site much, much better muy pronto. I have lined up an explosive topic guide...a kick ass header is on its way as well...more humour..more irony...more bitching...and most important of all, more about Spain.

I´ll stop the drama now, the nicotine´s effect has subsided.







Jenoside Invasion!

Muchisimas Gracias to all the people who have been visiting my humble shrine. The Philippine Blog Awards is just two days away and even though I was not included in the final round, I am just happy to be acknowledged (thanks to you, whoever you are, who nominated me although I think I should have been in the OFW category).

This March, the reception I got was as hot as the spanish sun so let´s lie down and enjoy my 15 minutes of fame. Here´s your sunscreen: On the month March alone, I´ve got 1, 059 hits and It felt good. Keep it coming folks!





The 15th of March, 77 people checked the site for a little bit of torture. I will give you some more tongue lashing, so watch out!

So, where are my people coming from? Who are they?
Well,since my statcounter could only show daily trackbacks as far as countries are concerned, here´s my silent minions as of 2:30 pm, March 30.




I tell you, my jenography goes as far as Argentina, Peru, Colombia, Sweden, Malaysia, Poland, Mexico, Iran and others I can´t remember now. I will give you daily updates from now on, though. Bushland seems to love me a lot since they are my most avid readers next to of course, España! Seems like Spain is totally Jenosided since I´ve got readers from Cataluña, Barcelona, Madrid, Costa del Sol, Valencia and Sevilla. Damn! Even ETA terrorists are reading my blog. I have a loyal minion in the Basque Country!

I am so happy my dear friends. Seems like we´re fastly moving on the right track! I have recently added a Clustermap for this site so you would see for your self the dots to world domination.


A lot of people are emailing me giving comments on my site however, LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS ON THE SITE ITSELF AND NOT IN MY EMAIL. Only if you want to be my friend, lover, foe, provider or donor should you email me and the rest, POST IT!!!

For possible advertisers and millionaires who want to invest on my site :) , DO IT NOW! WHY? Well, aside from my worldwide jenography, my readers just don´t stare at my gorgeous pictures and play with themselves after. THEY READ IT!

An example: My readers from Australia and the UK spend half an hour on my page. It´s not that they are slow reader but I´m sure they are savouring my every word.



Today, at 2:49pm ONLY, 17 percent reads the page longer than an hour. Gosh, they really have the time in their hands, don´t they?

Speaking of having too much time, check out my faithful reader in Saudi Arabia. He/she just spent 10 hours, 13 mins, 37 secs.yesterday on my site! Unbelieveable? Believe it!

The bulk of readers I get are mostly yuppies, doing an 9-5 job, sitting on their computers, watching the time goes by and waiting for their bosses to drink vodka somewhere at lunchtime.


Also, I´ve got rich, opulent, wealthy, ex-CEO´s and Managing Directors who are now pensioners wasting their money and time in the Costa Del Sol. They rather read my blog than gardening or playing golf, I tell you.


So there you go, you got burnt now with my data huh? Well, keep on Jenosiding and PLEASE, LEAVE A F*NG COMMENT!!!! REMEMBER, YOU MAY NOT LEAVE YOUR DNA IN MY BLOG BUT I STILL CAN SEE YOU AND YOUR WHEREABOUTS SO PLEASE DON´T BE SHY.


As for future advertisers, SHOW ME THE MONEY. EMAIL ME ON asiansushi@gmail.com


Again, Muchas Gracias Amigos and hasta siempre! Un besooooo!!!!!

Aching and Thinning

¨I wanted to have my tooth extracted NOW!¨, I barked at my dentist´s receptionist.

¨Well, you have to wait after the Holy Week to have it done since our schedule is full¨, she said, almost shaking with fear.

I slammed the door to her face.

I hopped on the bus going to the next town.I felt like I was having an internal hemorrhage from the pain of my molar. I took two 600 milligrams of Ibuprofen that morning but still my head felt like being cut into halves. I was seeing stars all over.

Saw the first ¨DENTAL CLINIC¨ sign from the bus station, I immediately went in. I didn´t care if it was a quack doctor or something. I was up for a quick relief. I was dying.

¨I wanted to have my tooth extracted now!¨, I barked for the second time that morning.

The receptionist is a human version of a bubble gum. Pink uniform, pink plastic loop earrings, pink lipstick, pink headband, golden hair. Very 60´s.

¨Well, have a sit Mr...?¨

I gave my name. I didn´t spell it though. I was not in a spelling mood.¨Okay, please wait for your name to be called¨.

I sensed some hope.

I was trying to do some mind over matter healing, but I was just too distracted by the magazines laid on the desk. Nothing about health and tooth care. All About fashion and beauty. I wondered if I entered a hairdressing salon, not a clinic.

After 20 minutes of waiting, I was called by a dashing male dentist. He asked me about my dental history and stuff. I told him I could not speak properly because I was in pain. He gave me the form and I filled it all up myself. Usually, I flirt with men in uniform. This time, my sexual urges was washed away by the bacteria in my molar.

Then I was moved to the dental seat. A lady dentist had a good look at my aching molar.

¨ We still can save your tooth¨

¨ I don´t want to¨, I said.

¨ You see, you are too young to lose teeth. We just kill the nerves and do some reconstructive surgery or a cap and it will be fine. In the meantime we still can´t pull your tooth either because it still infected. I´ll give you some antibiotics instead.¨, she said and left.

Miss bubblegum chatted me up about the pros and cons of pulling out my tooth from hell while checking her computer for another schedule.

¨ Once you lose your tooh, you will age quicker. You will develop fine lines and wrinkles easily especially on the sides of your mouth¨.
Botox. I thought.

¨ Also, since the upper tooth will not have anything to bump/clash with while you are eating, it will go right down and drill your lower gum hence, it is possible that it gets weaker and eventually lead to another loss¨.


Calcium. Cheese.Milk. Another thought.

¨And..¨ she said, as if about to say the secret of immortality (when all I need is just to get rid of f*ing pain!)

¨YOUR CHEEKS WILL FLATTEN WHICH WILL MAKE YOU LOOK THIN AND UNHEALTHY¨

Magic words. Instant thinspiration. MANOREXIA.

¨TOOTH EXTRACTION. FINAL ANSWER!¨

¨OK then, Monday 7:45 pm¨.


The Queen that never was.

Okay, so you think I have fallen in an eternal sleep already have you, my lovely minions?


Wrong.

Snap! snap! Let´s get back to reality. I know my last entries were quite dreary and dark as the English skies so enough of the drama and let´s all go back to the normal me. (Me, normal?). Okay, the bitchy me.

I had an uneventful weekend (as always) although the weather was fantabulous and the golden sunshine made a cameo for just two days so I just did a lot of brisk walking along the Paseo Maritimo in lieu of my never ending search for manorexia . As I am writing this; gloom, chill and more fake fur coats in the streets can be seen and felt and I am back to being a corporate whore working for a boss who lives on the executive suit of H.E.L.L.

ve got looooads of plans in the oven right now although I am happy to announce that ve gave birth to another blog. Yes, he is a healthy, bouncing baby boy in skimpy trunks. Meet my new blog--- Queer Costa! http://www.queercosta.blogspot.com/

My new baby is a community blog by and for the gay expat community and travellers in the Costa Del Sol. I haven´t really blogged on it yet since my partner in crime is still in haze after a two month adventure in the land of Papi Chulos and telenovelas but I promise to fill it during the Holy Week break. So, wish me luck on this new endeavor and to my fellow fags in and around ANDALUCIA, let´s unite and paint the town the color of rainbow!


Moving on, let´s do a recap of what my weekend has been like:


Back to Back Beauty Bitchin´
Last Friday I was able to watch Mr. España on the telly. I thought I would be sporting a wood throughout the show but it turned out that it was the most hilarious thing I´ve ever seen in my life next to Romy and Michelle´s High School Reunion. The contestants were totally clueless that they were on stage. They looked like they were just asked to buy something from the grocery then suddenly found themselves, almost naked, in front of thousand of spectators. In fairness, a lot of the contestants were deliciously looking as well despite of their well waxed eyebrows. My bet was Mr. Madrid. He´s got a body worthy of a tube of K
Y jelly although the face is not that spectacular at all. And oh yes, he won!

Mr. Madrid Luis Muñoz. Look at that bulge---Spanish chorizo for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

For my complete review of the pageant, click here but be sure you have a box of Kleenex ready just in case, you know...you know....you cry of laughter ! (hey your dirty minds, check out Nifty.org and not my site!)


Mr. Cuenca, on the other hand gave me the epiphany that I should join Mister España next year.
Why?
Just look at his official photos for the pageant. If he did it, so could I! I mean, at least I look a lot more butch than him and
my lipgloss is much, much paler than his.

Hahahaha!

Okay. Enough. I don´t wanna be too mean. Let´s just move on with some beauty bashing, shall we?

Sunday, the Miss España was on. I was getting so into it when I suddenly felt my tooth hurt so bad, it was more painful than being cornholed the first time! I immediately took two 600 milligrams of Ibuprofen and forced myself to sleep hence, I lost half of the show. I didn´t miss much though because the day after, the winners were all over the news. Morning, mid-day and evening broadcasts. I thought;
¨ gosh, if I ever see this girl with a crown again the next two hours or so, I swear, I´m gonna shut my TV, radio and other form of communications for the next 5 days!¨

Good thing, they got tired of showing her face.


Natalia Zabala, Miss Gipuzkoa, won the crown. I know you´re thinking about the same thing---where the f* is GIPUZKOA??? The answer is, I don´t have any idea at all! Well, wherever it is, I am sure it´s where the grass is still green and where they drink fresh cow´s milk straight from the animal´s breasts and where they have burrotaxis as a the main means of travelling. I could be wrong so check out Gipuzkoa in Wikipidea if you are interested ´coz, honestly, I am not.

Watching the show, I finally learned why Spain could not win any international beauty contest at all
inspite of the fact that Spanish women are considered to be one of the best looking women in the world:
1. They don´t have any question and answer segment in the contest. Remember girls: it is not WHAT you answer but HOW you answer the question. Grace under pressure, that is what they are measuring you for and it is not what you can say about world poverty and all that shit because they know that you don´t have anything valuable or noteworthy to say to that, anyway.
2.
They don´t have any talent portions where you know, they can display whatever it is that they excel on---even if it means eating live chicken or crossing a barb wire or something.

So there you go, I gave in to my sissiest side last weekend watching all these crap beauty pageant
thinggies. Well, we all have our own cheesy sides and beauty contests are some of mine.

Since I was 13 years old, I was always urged by our transvestite neighbour to join gay beauty pageants in the island where I grew up. He
didn´t want to let my fair, porcelain skin and almost androgynous beauty go into waste so he was grooming me to become like him, who has won almost every award there is, one of which, and my favourite--Miss Early Bird (since he was always on time and never gets late for practice AND always the first to sign up as a contestant).

I was thrilled with the idea of wearing his fabulous costumes but was always scared and told him that my father would kill me if he finds out.

¨ Don´t worry¨, he said. ¨When the time is right, you will be a queen just like me. Just always remember that in any contest, this question will pop up and so you should be prepared...¨

I was too exited, my eyes were big on anticipation.
¨ Oh, my god, he would tell me the secret of winning a gay beauty pageant. When the time is right, I will be a queen myself! I am so lucky¨, thought the beautiful twink that I was.

¨If you would be given the chance to be born again, what would you choose; to be a man or to be a woman?¨ , he said, holding an imaginary microphone now pointing to me.

¨That´s an easy question. Of course a woman.¨, I said with a smile.

¨Wrong¨

¨Why?¨

¨You should say, you want to be a straight man because he is the pillar of the family and he provides for his wife and children. He is the decision maker and his word is the law your home. The judges love that answer and you will surely win.¨ , he said almost angrily.

¨But my mom also works, she decides for us and her word is the law of our home¨, I insisted.

He was shocked and finally surrendered. After that, he never bugged me again.

I knew right then I was up for a different kind of
Queenhood--the one without wearing high heels in the swimsuit competition.